Bird Food

It is not easy being a curmudgeon.  You have to view things with disdain, look askance at the people you see when you inadvertently find yourself in a Walmart, read all  the bulletins from Curmudgeon Central that keep you up-to-date on matters requiring your attention.  It can all be quite exhausting.


So I hope it doesn't come as a shock to you that kindness and caring occasionally peek out.  Hence today's topic.  This curmudgeon actually invested real money in a bird feeder and food.  And not just ANY feeder and food, but a specially designed feeder that lets like 20 birds feed at once and not that cheap food you find in a 5-and-dime store, but specialty (and shockingly expensive) food bought at the local bird store (yes, we actually have one in my small town).


I told myself I was doing it to entertain the cats, but in truth, it was to entertain moi.  So that kindness and caring thing was just a front.  Curmudgeonly clever, no?


Now if only birds would show up.

The "Creep Effect" of Redecorating

I mentioned our kitchen redo last month: new counters and a new floor.  Then the creep effect started up.  As a matter of fact, we're still in the midst of the redo.  Why? you might ask.  Well, there needs to be new kitchen towels, a new sconce, new kitchen chairs, new covers for the existing kitchen chairs, new throw rugs, and oh, let's paint the room, too.


Then there's the adjoining room effect.  Gee, that old floor in the next room doesn't look so good anymore, and hey, Einstein Moomjy is going out of business - we can save a lot (by spending, of course) on a Persian rug under the dining room table.  It's like the curmudgeon's house has caught an unshakable disease.  There is no end in sight. 


I think I'll just curl up in front of my genuine fake Amish fireplace and watch Perry Mason.  Spring is coming.

Awards Shows

I know I have been writing a lot about plagues on society, but such is the grist for a curmudgeon's mill.  Today it is movie actor awards shows.

In my pre-curmudgeon days, there was one - the Academy Awards.  Self-serving, self-promoting, it was right up an actor's ego, or other body part.  Now, of course, there is a bewildering array of actor awards shows.  To name just a sampling, there are the Golden Globes, the SAG awards, the People's Choice awards, the Teen Choice Awards, the Independent Spirit Awards, the MTV Movie Awards and actually MORE.  And the Tonys and Grammys just serve to confuse me.

You don't have to be a curmudgeon to realize that the "award" part is a cover for the "promotion" part.  As one industry insider put it, this is where popularity trumps skill, although the curmudgeon thinks even Jack Web's performances required skill, so who's to say?  And why do actors even  need awards?  

Let's face it - watch only the Razzies.  Have some fun.

iOS5

A few months ago, I took the technological leap from my very curmudgeonly pre-camera cellular phone to an iPhone.  I did this using a curmudgeon handbook codicil that says we should keep up with technology, but doesn't specify how, so actually OWNING it isn't specifically ruled out.  Nonetheless, at our annual convention, I will be very discreet with it.


But to my point: Apple recently announced a new version of its iPhone Operating System with 200 new features.  And an upgrade  was FREE!  That sort of deal is right up my alley, so I upgraded.  Whoa - a nifty new camera feature that lets you go directly to a real camera-like way of taking pictures from the "off" blank screen.  It also added photo editing functions that make my photoshop app unneeded.  A "swipe" feature that brings up my local weather (hour-by-hour if I want it), any messages, mail, and today's "to do" list, rendering my weather channel app unneeded.  Did I mention it was FREE?


As a curmudgeon, I shouldn't be impressed much, but this is really above and beyond.  A tip of my hat to Apple.  They probably added new tracking software and such to follow me around, but it was FREE!

Tattoos

As I was recently opining about plagues on society, this one immediately sprang to mind.  Now, bear in mind that I am only "cream skimming" so as not to confuse my readers with all the minutia of  being a proper curmudgeon.


But this one deserves special attention.  The curmudgeon handbook mentions the "greatest generation" and the sacrifices made in WW II.  If you didn't know whether you would be alive the same time the next day, a discrete blue "Mom," anchor, or girlfriend's name might buoy your spirits in battle.  Perfectly understandable.


Now it is "body art" and way too many people are getting tattoos that actually show in public.  Except for gang members and the usual fringe element, this is going way too far.  I have no objection to a small rose or heart  that only reveals itself in intimate settings, but to broadcast your poor taste because you wore a t-shirt (another indicator of poor taste) and exposed your arm tat is simply unacceptable.  If you want to emulate gang members, the dregs of society, knock yourself out.  Just stay out of my sight.


Oh yeah, the new Steve McGarrett has these, too.  A double whammy.  Jack Lord must be turning over in his grave.

The Unshaven Look

The curmudgeon Handbook is quite specific about facial hair: one is to be clean shaven to look, oh, I don't know, civilized, and any facial hair should be organized into something, like a mustache or neatly trimmed beard - it even goes so far as to permit Van Dykes.  Anybody with a "soul patch" should never be seen in public (a safety issue - one is so busy watching it bob up and down as the wearer talks that accidents are inevitable) and 1970s-style bushy sideburns should remain in the 70s.


Simple.  But no, some blithering idiot on Madison Avenue apparently thought a good-looking male model would look ruggedly handsome if he looked like he forgot his shaving kit on a week-long hike in the forest.  Said idiot apparently sold his idea, got magazines like Vogue - you know, the one where you can rip out the first 100 pages and not even touch the table of contents - and a "look" was hatched.  And what a sad day for civilized society.  Even the new Steve McGarrett frequently sports the 4-day version.  Like a state governor would hire someone who can't even master a shaver.


I like to think that this will just be a fad, but regrettably, men are lazy sorts and skipping shaving has real appeal.  And so does looking ruggedly handsome.  Unfortunately, most adherents to this "look" are far from handsome and just look stupid.  And lazy.

Vampires and Werewolves

There are certain fads that the curmudgeon is only too happy to let pass him by without so much as a glance in their general direction.  This "Twilight Saga" nonsense is one, and has blossomed out of control, like pythons in the Everglades or rabbits in Australia.  A genuine plague.

We need the National Lampoon to come to our rescue.  In my late teens, I discovered J.R.R.Tolkien, and started to get obsessed by the mythology.  The Lampoon came to my rescue - in their version of "Lord of the Rings," Gandolf was Goodgulf, Frodo was Frito, and Bilbo was Dildo.  It saved me - I could never take ole' JRR seriously again.  I didn't even watch those tedious movies made some 10 years ago.

So Lampoon - where are you when we need you?  This Vampires vs. Werewolves thing is ripe for ridicule.  Your 7/8/2010 short was a good start, but a full-blown book like "Bored of the Rings" is called for.