Paradise Plus

I'm starting to think I've complained a little to much about this slice of "paradise." Why just today, I rented a lounge and umbrella on the beach. 

Suddenly I'm out of the hot, merciless sun in the shade with a freshening breeze off the gulf - not too shabby. Birds keen, Pelicans dive for fish and Dolphins surface nearby. Actually, it is quite pleasant. 

This, as you can imagine, is very difficult for a curmudgeon to admit - I'm actually enjoying myself. Could it also have to do with the peace and quiet of my Sainted wife being off shopping?

I guess I shouldn't have waited until my last day here to try this.

Paradise has its Benefits

One thing about a vacation in Florida is Publix supermarkets. They have everything - and then some - the workers are knowledgeable, friendly, and they even pack your bags!

In New Jersey's grocery stores, these are each begrudged and you'd better expect to pack your own damned bags, thank you very much.

Of course, we New Jersey types don't exactly help the situation - as a curmudgeon, I am constantly having to strive to be crankier and haughtier than your typical Jerseyite.

Let's face it, New Jersey is a tough town. However, here in Florida, politeness sort of whacks you in the face - being a curmudgeon here, you actually regret asking a waitress for that extra butter, she's been so nice. 

For the Birds

When you vacation in a nature preserve in Florida, you can expect all manner of beasties - swarming, annoying no-seeums, alligators, snakes and the like. Wretched, but expected. 

The birds? Turns out they're just as annoying. They've learned that you are a great meal ticket. Crows and seagulls lurk noisily nearby, waiting to attack if foodstuffs are sensed. 

This place is like the Hitchcock movie, except they attack you with well-aimed bodily wastes instead of beaks. At this very moment, I recline on the beach with seagulls by the dozens warily regarding me from 10-15 feet away while crows leer from the trees behind me. 

This place is host to more of a battle of wills than the billed "relaxing nature preserve." Well, these effluvium-producing creatures didn't count on running into a cranky curmudgeon. War is about to break out, and I don't think they know what they're up against.

Nature Preserves

It's not that I have anything against nature preserves, but I do draw the line when they come between me and my vacation. We are vacationing on a Florida island that also sees itself as a natural preserve (despite the stores, condos, etc.).

So we are told to respect our natural surroundings. A bunch of beached fish gaily rotting and stinking up the beach? Mother Nature's way - can't clean them up. Lights on the resort's paths at night? Oh, no - might confuse the hatching turtles.

Bah. Give me a beach raked daily and lively beach bars at night. This nature crapola has its place, but it certainly isn't around a curmudgeon.

This is Vacation?

Normally, I like warm weather. I'm old, I'm crotchety, I hate the cold. But this 90 degree weather here off the southern gulf coast of Florida is for the birds. 

Literally - let 'em have it to themselves. How I got suckered into a week of this oven-like life is a testimony to the persuasive powers of my Sainted wife.

"Yes, but there's a pool, and the gulf is warm, too!" she cries. So I'm either sweating bullets in the sun or soaking in water - frankly, I'm taking a long lunch - indoors with air conditioning. I'm sure I can find a comforting Murder, She Wrote.