Thrills in Paradise

As I lounge here, watching the surf, birds keening and wheeling about, catching sight of the occasional dolphin, I am reminded of...Hooters, of course.

Over in Clearwater, they have Hooters contests ON THE BEACH.  The last time I was there, the contestants even came around to our lounges to campaign for our vote!  Very considerate.  But here on Sanibel?  Not bloody likely.

Oh, but hold on - I see some excitement - someone just found a shark's eye shell - gotta go over and check it out.

Nature: whoopdedoo.

Save the Humans

Sanibel Island is a nice enough place.  It is quite idyllic (at least in the off season), and is dedicated to wildlife welfare (a large section of the island is a nature preserve).

The place where the curmudgeon stays has an elegant restaurant (we'll skip the whole discussion of proper attire re: "elegant" dining in the spirit of brevity).  Being right on the beach, it has an uninterrupted view of the gulf and its beautiful sunsets.

But - and regrettably, there is a but - as darkness falls, the windows become mirrors SO THE DINING ROOM LIGHTING WON'T DISORIENT HATCHING TURTLES.  Needless to say, I'm all for the little guys finding their way to the sea, but at least tell a diner, before he drops a lot of money on a dinner and expecting a view, that he will be staring at himself after dark.

I've dined in a lot of places, but let me tell you, the mirror thing is really, really creepy.

The Sweet Smell of Paradise

I'm sure you're thinking salt air, pine needles and such.  Maybe the occasional whiff of Coppertone.  Well, you'd be right - to a degree.

After all, this is nature, and nature doesn't always supply the air with your choice of fragrances.  Take the fragrance of rotting flesh that now engulfs me here - who knew last week's storm would wash a bunch of sea life up to leisurely rot in the sun for me?  Sanibel being a nature preserve and all, you most certainly can't sweep the beach clear.  Oh no - let nature take its course.

Maybe if I imported a bunch of crabs - they eat this stuff, don't they?

Chilling in Paradise

So we're finally settled in here in paradise - time to rent that lounge and umbrella on the beach and chill, right?  Why else would one choose an out-of-the-way island that's mostly nature preserve, right?

Wrong - go shopping!  There must be all sorts of quaint shell and driftwood-filled places just waiting to gouge the gullible tourist.  Never mind that after coming here for 10 years, one pretty much knows the precise inventory of each shop.

There just seems to be this female imperative to shop.  If the island shops are exhausted, there's always Macy's or TJ Maxx on the mainland!  No doubt they're vastly different than the ones back home!

The water here in the Gulf is 84˚ - like I'm going shopping.

Cheeseburger in Paradise

The first thing we did, upon arriving here in paradise, was eat, of course.  We were in seafood heaven.  So did we hottail it to the nearest shack?  Of course not - once away from New Jersey, we could indulge in Denny's, Bob Evans, Cracker Barrel, Waffle House and other places that can't seem to make it to our home state.

So Bob Evans it was.  Great breakfasts - eggs with cheese, sausage gravy and biscuits, home fries with cheese, bacon and sour cream; huge bacon cheeseburgers for lunch, gravy-rich dinners - real Amurican stick-to-your-ribs stuff.

Just because that overweight woman at the next table was on an oxygen tank, she was still getting her biscuits & grits.