Driving in New Jersey

I think I've made it pretty clear that I live in New Jersey.  For those not familiar with this special place, the act of getting behind the wheel and driving is no trivial walk in the park. It requires skills and grit that few out-of-staters (Massachusetts drivers excepted) possess.  Here are just a few examples:

Want to turn left on certain highways?  Better be in the right-hand lane - but only on those certain highways.  You won't know which ones until you've driven them before.

Enjoying that 4-lane road?  You'd better do it quick, because it could revert to a 2-laner at any moment.  You won't be sure when unless you've driven it before.

Approaching a traffic circle?  Which one - they each have their own right-of-way rules.  You better have driven that circle before.

Want to make a left turn onto a busy road but have no traffic light?  Better be prepared to use your vehicle as a mobile stop traffic signal as you nose across traffic because it only gets worse at rush hour.  Assume the oncoming traffic knows about this necessity, having driven this route before.

Solid white lines separating you from the next lane?  No problem - they're only for out-of-staters and other people who haven't driven this stretch before.

The common road design principle applied here, as you may have observed, is "drive it once before you drive it for the first time."  I just don't understand why so many drivers appear confused.  

Travel and Laundry

Being able to do laundry at my destination isn't that high on my travel checklist.  Clean clothes, dressing correctly for the trip, tickets, cash, ID, gas in the tank, air in the tires and the sort tend to take priority.  Happily, the Curmudgeon Handbook is quite helpful for packing smartly for travel, the overall guiding principle being making for a comfortable, enjoyable and carefree trip (a curmudgeon doesn't need to be set up for more things to annoy him - plenty abound).  Doing laundry on a trip is therefore understandably not considered, it being neither "enjoyable" nor "carefree."

So it came as rather a surprise to me when recent house guests announced they had to do a laundry the morning after they arrived.  I was floored - it was incomprehensible - could they actually have brought dirty clothes along?  Was this some insidious, twisted scheme to play with my ordered world?

I took it as my cue to go to Home Depot for a few hours to try to forget.

Engineering vs. Marketing

The curmudgeon is hosting a gaggle of women this week, and the drive home from the airport somehow sparked a conversation on the color of automobile dashboard illumination.

This is the sort of decision that is best left to engineers, not designers.  It turns out that orange/red illumination permits the eye to adjust to the darkness outside more quickly than any other color, so there is a logical argument for illuminating dashboard instruments with orange/red light.  

However, the lively conversation centered around what colors LOOKED nicer, not worked better.  Such is the state of automotive safety at night.

Paying Money for Gardening

Gardening is, simply put, an endeavor that a curmudgeon has absolutely no interest in.  Zip.  Get one's hands dirty on purpose?  I don't think so.  The Curmudgeon Handbook makes it clear that occupations that actually soil you are frowned upon (changing your own motor oil is also a prime example).

But gardening deserves special mention.  When we first moved into our little cape, greenery abounded.  Great! thought I, the gardening is done!  Hah.  Not being remotely engaged in foliage-related matters, I totally missed that gardening was apparently desperately required.

Thus began a 30-year slog of gardening, re-gardening and gardening again.  That shrub has been there for two years?  Time to move it.  Doesn't a "perfumed pocket garden" sound right for that spot over there?  Of course!  I am helpless to argue because "that spot" is currently green and therefore falls under my "the gardening's done" umbrella.

When I do projects, there is something called "done."  Not so with gardening.

3rd Vice Presidents

My sainted wife is quite the busy bee, belonging to a number of charitable organizations.  One, a venerable local group, engages in a variety of good-hearted activities - I am told - although most of them seem centered around raising money (50-50 raffles, putting the squeeze on local businesses, the works).

In support of these activities, they have evolved one of the most bizarre organizational structures yet invented by humans.  Rather than the more traditional functional structure we're all familiar with in business, theirs is more "make my friend feel important" - based.  Hence such positions as "1st Vice President," "2nd Vice President" and "3rd Vice President."  What differentiates these offices is completely beyond my ken, but I suspect the incumbents generally do whatever the President wants despite the fact that none are a stepping-stone to the Presidency.

Astonishingly, this apparently works.